Penny for Your Thoughts

I probably came off as sounding terribly pathetic in class when I said I felt humiliated by Penny. But the reason behind that is because Penny strikes such a personal chord with me. I was Penny. I still am Penny, underneath my skin. For many years I remained in the background of life, my voice barely raised above a whisper, soft and thin like Penny's. I appeared happy and pleasant, and I suppose at times I was optimistic so that I didn't despair entirely. But, like Penny, I was wistful and sad and felt as if I could never quite make an impact on anyone. That I was doomed to disappear, as she does, in a chorus of much louder voices. Penny does her best to keep her head above water, seeking the worth in others that she feels lacking in herself. She is shocked that Captain Hammer saves her, shocked that he notices and takes an interest in her. I was shocked too, when someone I was interested in was actually interested back. Penny is so pleased to be with him that she ignores the significant misgivings she feels about him as a person and continues to hope for the best, perhaps believing that he will improve, that he's worth the love she gives him. As viewers, we all see that he's not good enough for her, that he doesn't truly see and respect her as a person. Because it's all about him. He kinda likes her and thinks maybe he'll hang on to her for a little while longer, but beyond acting as a vessel through which he fulfills his own desires Penny means very little to him. Been there, Penny. Girl, I feel ya. I can see a heaviness, an anxiety in her face when she's talking about him. She knows she shouldn't be with him, that she deserves more. But she can't let go. She doesn't want to let go. And he kills her. Literally. But maybe he was killing her before the moment the shrapnel entered her body. I'd like to believe that when she was running out of the auditorium (which is an act of agency, by the way) she was running for her life. A life separate from Captain Hammer. And she almost made it. It's not a criticism that she fails. It's real. It's human. So I suppose I've made my peace with Penny. And myself.